I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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