you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
