Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You took a bar mat shot.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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