You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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