i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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