My sheets look like a crime scene.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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