How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Randomize
