The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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