i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
