3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
