Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
