The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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