Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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