my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just tell him i said nine months
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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