Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
If that was your dad, he is hot
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
the liver wants what the liver wants
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Randomize
