end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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