He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
