I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
