I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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