i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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