Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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