He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
