i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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