Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
