Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
