Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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