We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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