I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I would fuck him just for his dog
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
