did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
