Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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