She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
