Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I still have a little drunk in my system
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
