Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
