It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
