Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
