he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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