ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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