she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
