I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
