His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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