piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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