When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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