How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
