I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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