I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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