I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
