I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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