I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
