and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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