I miss vodka workout Fridays
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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