First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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