the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
