I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
