is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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