Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
