I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
His hands were made for my vagina.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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