While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
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Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
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Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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