Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
