is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
