i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize
